ESSAY QUESTION (copy here):

FIRST DRAFT

IEP/510/520 Core

Prof. Christine Bauer-Ramazani

Date:

12/6/2011

                                                                             Why change is so hard   

The article “Set in Our Ways: Why Change Is So Hard” tells us change is difficult for most of people. There are two aspects to prove that. First is nature and second is nurture.

First is nature. According to the “Set in Our Ways: Why Change Is So Hard” (2011), personality traits play an important role in this part. Psychologists figure out that there are “Big Five” personality traits. When peoples’ ages increasing, they rarely to change. Especially after 20, most people have no ability to change. Dream also resists people to change. The article claims that new experiences may bring awakening but also chaos. We dream many things everyday but our brain can’t accept that information. They have security.

Second is nurture. According to the “Set in Our Ways: Why Change Is So Hard” (2011), responsibility resist our changing steps. Once people have a stable family and career, they don’t want to change. They give up new experiences. They think their life fit them. Some parents told their children something they can do or something they can’t do. They told them they should think over and over again before take action. That is a way to show responsibility. So many rules resist us to change.

I agree change is so hard. Of course the same reason especially responsibility. I like climbing mountain. Climbing mountain is a extreme sports so sometimes I will get hurt. Maybe will have an accident. But I have a family. I have my dad and my mom. So I give up this kind of sports. I should be responsible for what I have done. I should be responsible for my parents. So for me, change is so hard.

Reference:

Set in our ways: why change is so hard (2011). Q: Skills for success 5. Reading and writing: Oxford University Press.

Nami's review: 

1. The start of essay is beginning with the clear thesis statement. And he attributes the hardness of change to "nature and nurture" which the author just discusses;   however, the difference of "nature" --genetic-basis reason and  "nurture"  --the environmental reaosn are not supported with appropriate examples are not enough. More supporting examples should be given. I do not think he needs to mention  about "Big five reasons". 

2. He discrives Well about the thesis statement and two main ideas.

3. Chris gives some supporting examples; however, the connection between the main ideas and supporting examples is a little weak.

4. Some of in-text citations are done, but not enough.

5. Reference is given.

FIRST DRAFT

Name:Chris

Course: IEP/510/520 Core

Prof. Christine Bauer-Ramazani

                                                    Why people think Mountain Climbing is work?

Why are so many people try extreme sports in their free time? Do they extreme sports for fun? Mountain climbing is one of these extreme sports. Do you think mountain climbing should be regarded as leisure or work? Mountain climbing should be considered work for three reasons. It costs time to train; it is expensive and it poses risks.

The first reason why people shouldconsider Mountain Climbing work is that people have to spend a lot of time to train. Training is divided into two parts, and each part costs a lot of time. Therefore, many companies pay for their climbers. First part is physical training, according to the “How to Climb a Mountain” (2011), the main idea is to tell climbers that physical training not only get run of climbers’ energy, but also costs amount of time. If their companies don’t pay for them, climbers must be refused to do that. Climbers have to go to the gym to run everyday and after that they have to do strength training on the weekend, so they have no time to rest. Actually, most climbers do this for their paid. The second kind of training is technical training. According to the “How to Climb a Mountain” (2011), it is necessary to tell climbers technical training also costs a lot time like doing a job. If climbers want to climb a mountain, they have to make a strategy. In general, companies will give these climbers two weeks to accomplish that. Mountain climbing needs foot technique, so companies will apply professional athlete to teach climbers how to do it and this must cost a lot of time. Climbers must practice placing feet in proper places everyday. As a result, if climbers cannot get the paid, they won’t get training for it costs too much time.

The second reason why people should consider Mountain Climbing work is that . High costs separate into two kinds. First is that safety equipment absolutely indispensable but costly. Companies won’t pay that for climbers, Climbers should buy equipments by themselves. They have to buy professional rope and rope connector because of safety. According to the “Mountain Climbing Equipment” (2011), mountain climbers should buy some expensive but high quality mountain boots. In general, mountain boots are twice expensive than other boots. That’s the reason why companies don’t pay for them, it’s too expensive. The second kind is that climbers have to pay travel costs. Companies still not pay for it.  Climbers have to spend a lot of money on plane or train because some mountains are far away from where they live. The longer distance, the more expensive travel cost. Climbers also have to pay for hotel for staying overnight. They do that like doing their work. They have to rest before climbing mountain. As a result, Money is very important for people to mountain climbing and also very expensive.

The third reason why people shouldconsider mountain climbing work is that it is risky. There have two kinds of dangers. First is danger of equipment failure. It means climbers haven’t do preparations. Climbers should do some detailed work before they climbing. For example, rope connectors will be loose when climbers are climbing. Sometimes they forget to measure the ropes’ length when they are climbing. If these disasters happen, they must not pay attention to detailed work. Second kind is dangers in nature. These disasters are accidental. Climbers should have work experience to face that. For example, climbers will meet unexpected storm or they starting and being caused by an avalanche. How can climbers avoid these disasters? They must have climbing experience like work experience and they must do more physical work. Therefore, they won’t be exhausted when they are climbing. As a result, if companies don’t pay for them, they must not do this dangerous work.

Above all, mountain climbing should be considered work for three reasons. It requires too much time; it costs a lot of money and it is risky. People should be careful with climbing because it’s a hard work even if you can get a paid.

Reference:

How to climb a mountain. (2010). Retrieved from

http://www.wikihow.com/Climb-a-Mountain.

How to climb a mountain: choose right boots. (2010). Retrieved from

http://www.wikihow.com/Climb-a-Mountain.

Defranza, D. (2008, October 30). 11 most dangerous mountains in the world for climbers. Retrieved from

http://matadornetwork.com/trips/11-most-dangerous-mountains-in-the-world-for-climbers/.

reader:Noora lhuda

Need more key words about work 

He use some good new vocabularys

SECOND DRAFT

Name:

Course: IEP/510/520 Core

Prof. Christine Bauer-Ramazani

IRST DRAFT

Name:

Course: IEP/510/520 Core

Prof. Christine Bauer-Ramazani

                                     

IEP 510/520

YaQi Ding

Professor Bauer-Ramazani

10/3/2011

First draft

xxxxx= Thesis statement

xxxxx= Topic sentence

xxxxx=controlling idea

xxxxx=Aspect/focal points.

xxxxx=Discourse Markers

           Living on-campus vs. Living off-campus

Have you ever heard that some graduate students don’t know how to use washing machine? Nowadays, half college graduates(2007) depend on their parents. With the development of countries, students don’t need to cook. They just need to go to the restaurant or ask their parents to cook for them. Students don’t need to have an appointment with teachers or their friends. They just need to have a phone call or write an E-mail. More and more schools pay attention to this problem. Some schools require their students to live off-campus. According to the article: “Is it better to live off-campus or live on-campus?” (2007) claims that students living off-campus have more advantage than living on-campus.

One of the ways to see the differences between the two is to look how they responsible for their daily life. Students living off-campus meet more daily difficulties than those living on-campus. For example, Sam is a student living off-campus. He have to pay the rent at the end of each month, while others living on-campus don’t need to worry about this situation. Also Sam has to buy furniture for his house; on the other hand, students living on-campus have had furniture because the school hand out the furniture before they stay in the dorm. Therefore, you can see students living off-campus have to responsible for their daily life.

Another way to see the differences between the Students living-off campus and students living on-campus is to view which are more independent. Absolutely, the students living off-campus are more independent than those living on-campus. The student living off-campus want to be a leader and students living on-campus just want to be a follower. For example, two people, one is living off-campus and the other is living on-campus. Both them join a climbing team. When the team met the bad weather like a storm, the students living off-campus lead their team to the safe place and called the police while students living on-campus didn’t know what they need to do and felt scared. For instance, schools have many rules, students living-on campus need to follow it. In contrast, students living off-campus don’t need to follow it they can use their time by themselves. We can see independence is the most important characteristic in our personality.

The final difference between students living off-campus and students living on-campus is their study environment. The study environment which Students living off-campus is quieter than the study environment which students living on-campus. For example, the dorm had a party, many students came in the dorm to celebrate. It was noisy for the students which want to study, whereas students living off-campus don’t need to worry about it. For instance, students living in the dorm may not focus on their essay because their friend find him to play the video games; on the other hand, students living in the house won’t be interrupted when they study. As a result, study environment is very essential.

In conclusion, we have told that students living off-campus have more advantage than those living off-campus. If you want to be a good student, you need to be responsible for yourself, to be independent and have good study environment. Above all, which one will you choose, living on-campus or living off-campus?

Reference:

The advantages of living off-campus(2007). Retrieved from http://michaelemilio.com/college-life-is-it-better-to-live-on-campus-or-off-campus/

Half college graduates depend on parents(2007). Retrieved from http://www.sinothaiyouth.com/spotlight/200707/t20070717_562330.htm

Chris

You should avoid the overuse of  pronoun They.

In an academic essay. It is important to avoid Contractions.

punctuation needs to be check in order to avoid run on sentences.

in the introductory paragraph there were not any connectors founds.

You should check some better words in order to refer to something; The use of synonyms would be a good idea (Thesaurus dictionary) :)

Juan Garcia

SECOND DRAFT

Name:

Course: IEP/510/520 Core

Prof. Christine Bauer-Ramazani